It’s one thing to be gay. It’s another thing to be black AND gay.
That’s what my Dad always used to say to me after I came out. Maybe it was his attempt to get me to “see the light” or maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was wrong.
As I grew up, this statement became more and more true. Every time I opened up the gay magazines all I would see is a skinny white guy with his shitty scissor cut and pancake arse. If this was made to entice me, it failed miserably. Why would I ever want to look like that? In fact neither enticing nor welcoming. If this is what I’m going to see every time I go out on the scene I’d rather not go out at all.
Curiosity got the better of me and I soon found myself out on Birmingham’s Hurst St and how right was I? They were everywhere. Some might call them “typically gay” whereas I just think they are cunts. All around me I just see middle aged white men kissing middle aged white men. Where are my dark skin brothers? More to the point, where is everybody my own age? Am I destined for an open relationship with a bloke called Gary and two cats?
Well it’s not good enough for me. Throughout the years I’ve struggled to fit in and conform to gay culture with their jockstraps, poppers and saunas. Don’t get me wrong of course I have (and still occasionally do) indulge in these behaviours but afterwards I always sit and wonder whether I just do it because it’s the only thing I know. Is this what all gay men do? Well 23 years into my life and I haven’t met a guy who has attempted to show me any different so I guess I am well and truly fucked. Is this me for the rest of my life? I can’t find a boyfriend, I’m not white and I haven’t got a six pack. I am however really good at cooking, keep my house clean, don’t take drugs (very often), have a stable job and I’m loyal. Well all I’ve learnt is these skills are not going to get you very far on the gay scene. However if your skinny, white, love taking m-cat/meph and will suck any dick on offer you will have a field day. Some people might happily settle for this (and a loyalty card at the STI clinic) but it just doesn’t work for me.
I’m tired of trying to fit in. I am who I am. A strong, independent, picky head black man.
The digital era of homosexuality is upon us and so many gay men are going to lose sight of their worth and values. The closest they will ever get to love is a thumbnail on Grindr. To all my black men out there feeling the same way I do, here is my advice. Yes its one thing to be gay. It’s a completely different thing to be black AND gay but that my brothers, does not have to be a bad thing.
Raurie Williams
Raurie Williams aka Rawzilla shot to everyone’s attention back in 2013 when his controversial freestyles went viral causing uproar across the UK grime scene; labelled the “First Gay Grime MC”. Check out his YouTube channel
@rawzillaisdead
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